Who is this person sitting by the window, staring at life and does not notice me (good that’ how I want it to be). As I walk closer, I notice that she is wearing a fuming face. Even before I could ask her, “Why or what made you wear that look?” I could see her expressions changing.
I could see her face had now expressions of guilt and sorry. I was looking at her for the past half an hour; I had not noticed any change in her body movement. The only thing that changed was her expression.
Her long sitting posture was interrupted, when a fly sat on her arms and she just raised her arms to let away the fly. Now, I saw her body, which was sleeping in a sitting position for half an hour, was moving towards the dressing table.
For the first time I saw her reflection on the mirror. It was me. Was, I having an outer body experience or am I dead (was my thought). How is it possible? I guess I don’t have the answer.
But, all this while I used to think that I’m a happy person. I saw her dragging herself to the cupboard and taking a dress out of it. She was staring at the dress, as if her thought was to abandon this dress right now (although I knew this was her favourite dress).
I heard someone knocking at the door. The voice said, “Are you ready, we are getting late?”
This was my mother’s voice. Now I understood what had upset me.
I just remembered that half an hour ago I had a very steaming argument with my mother. Now that is a usual scene in my house. What was I thinking then, it is always about them (parents) and sometimes it’s about me. I don’t understand them nor do I get the same understanding in return. No matter how hard I try it is always a one way road, and so it is equally difficult for both of us (mom and me).
I thought that the only way to make my mom unhappy was to make her angry. Till date I’ve found two ways to make her angry: first by arguing and second by simply doing the opposite of what she asks me to do. I thought by doing these things I would have made myself happy because I was making my mom unhappy.
But, what I saw didn’t match with my kind thoughts. I saw that it had made me angry (a normal reaction I think), guilty (that in some way it was not a right behavior), sad (cause I had hurt the feelings of the one person who means a lot to me) and then sorry (but that was a feeling, never had I seen it transforming to word).
Today, as I had watched me, I understood that feeling sorry was important but saying was equally important.
I saw me opening the door. I saw the expression of guilt on my face. I was ready to say sorry, for my actions, but she stood stiffly. She thought that without saying sorry mom was suppose to understand and forgive her actions. But I knew if I didn’t say sorry I would not know if she had forgiven me or not.
Then I saw an expression that I had never seen on her face. She was about to do something that she had never done. “I’m sorry,” she said. That’s it; I was so relieved to hear that. Finally, her face was lit up with guilt free smile as she hugged her mother.